"Bios written in the third person are douchey"

(if I wrote this in the third person I couldn’t use made up words like douchey). Would it matter if I grew up the daughter of a butcher, or an immigrant seamstress with limited English but limitless love? Would my star be rising if people believed I was keeping people in stitches since age five doing Merv Griffin impressions at family get-togethers? If the answer is yes, then those things are 100% true and valid to the best of my recollection.

Coming from a family of irrational lunatics (translation: women), and being a social outcast, I realized that I’d rather laugh than cry…and that lots of religious women marry closeted gay men. (What? Where did that come from?) I haven’t been “fantasizing about my wedding since I was a little girl”; I think more like a guy; and I look like an x-ray when my shirt’s off. My comedy doesn’t aim to please or offend any specific group. It’s comedy for people who just “get it”. I’m inspired by never fitting in; being fascinated by people’s robotic interests (religion, buffets, Big Bang Theory) and being annoyed by super-white white people.

They’re the fake do-gooder PC police who gasp in horror when someone uses the word fat to describe a coworker—the same coworker that said white person never e-vites to happy hour because “I didn’t realize she wasn’t in my contacts list.” Yeah, right.

In addition to stand-up, I also briefly co-hosted the radio show “What’s Your Problem” with comedians Bob Levy and Eric McMahon. I’ve been a guest on the Joey Reynold’s show, as well as Miserable Men and Leiberman Live on Howard Stern’s Sirius channel 101. Other credits include a column for Spotlight magazine, ghostwriting for the Huffington Post and a role in a national TV commercial for AJ Wright. Although not meant to be comedic, it’s my most humorous role to date due to the horrifying attire and wig-like hair I was sporting at the time.

My greatest accomplishments thus far are never having a desire to own a Coach, Louis Vuitton, or Gucci pocketbook; and never having seen Meredith Baxter-Birney or Nancy McKeon domestically abused in a Lifetime for Women movie.