Happy
Every time I go to my car mechanic, he says to me “you’re always smiling; you’re always so happy”, and I say, “Yeah, I always pretend to be happy”—and then he comes out from behind the counter like a big, cuddly predator on parole and says “give me a hug” (as he “adjusts my headlights”…that’s common practice, right?).
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Hoarders
If you’ve never watched the show Hoarders, DON’T! You will become addicted. You will start hoarding episodes on your DVR that force other recorded shows to be buried deep within the saved shows list. As you watch the episodes, you will find they are so intriguing that you just can’t delete them even though you will never watch them again (or even remember that you have them).
Charity by Proxy
Isn’t it wonderful that large grocery store chains have huge cardboard boxes at the exits for customers to make food donations? “Please drop your canned goods here to help feed the hungry.” How generous and caring of a facility that houses, sells, and profits off of food to allow customers to buy it, and then turnaround and donate it in the very same building that originally owned the merchandise to begin with.
Fattitude
Why do overweight people get a free pass? For some reason society has taken such pity on overweight people that we just sit back and take it when they want to bash anybody who doesn’t share “their struggle”. And God forbid anybody criticize a fat person or you will be labeled “cruel”, “unsympathetic”, “mean”, and worst of all “skinny” (ouch, that stings…maybe because I don’t have enough meat on my bones to absorb the hit).
Footprints in the Carpet
Please don’t invite me to your home and then tell to remove my shoes. You’re basically telling me “my floor is more important than your comfort. I don’t care if you get crap all over your bare feet, but I do care if you get crap all over my incredibly easy-to-clean hardwood floors and stain-resistant carpet.”
How uptight do you have to be to obsess about the cleanliness of something that is meant to be walked on in the first place? How about instead of requiring guests to remove their shoes, just give them wings when they walk in so they can float around your house to avoid contact with anything.
