Footprints in the Carpet

Please don’t invite me to your home and then tell to remove my shoes. You’re basically telling me “my floor is more important than your comfort. I don’t care if you get crap all over your bare feet, but I do care if you get crap all over my incredibly easy-to-clean hardwood floors and stain-resistant carpet.”

How uptight do you have to be to obsess about the cleanliness of something that is meant to be walked on in the first place? How about instead of requiring guests to remove their shoes, just give them wings when they walk in so they can float around your house to avoid contact with anything.

Besides the fact that it’s incredibly rude to demand your guests remove their shoes, it’s just plain gross. Feet are ugly…and for some reason the hosts’ feet are usually the ugliest: big fat pale toes that are so white you can’t even tell if there’s a toenail on there. Some shoes should be forbidden: Crocs, Docksiders on women (or on men with penises), sandals for men; but bare feet are for the beach, the bed, and the shower. Bare feet don’t go with any outfit. Who puts on a pair of khakis (besides nerdy white men who look like lesbians and unfeminine white women) and says, “You know what would look great with these slacks: My navy blue fleece, Eddie Bauer vest and a callus-ridden hammertoe”?

Have you ever been subjected to one of these affairs? Doesn’t it feel so creepy when you’re standing in a kitchen amongst a group of frumpy, shoeless white people eating seven-layer dip and sipping Merlot while talking about their escalating oil bills and what a “hoot” their cat Tony is when he watches Grey’s Anatomy with “mommy and daddy”? And for some reason, they think lawn-care is a “hot-button” topic (“that branch missed Lloyd’s mower by thismuch”).
When you invite guests to your home, their comfort should be paramount to your own. So, if your floor is more important to you than the people in your life, chances are you’re as cold as the linoleum you walk on.